I didn’t know it at the time, but this is what I was doing.
Everyday.
Let me tell you a story and I’ll explain.
October 1, 2008, I quit my job at the health and tennis club I was working at to go into business for myself.
I had four clients lined up that I was now going to train at their homes. In total, it amounted to 10-11 hours per week. This might not sound like much, but immediately, it enabled me to match and even exceed what I was earning at my previous job which required me to be there 40-50 hours per week.
In addition, I had some other things lined up, so I was feeling pretty good about my situation.
Things were good for a couple of months and then it happened. One of my four clients got sick and missed a week. Then another went on vacation. What had been a steady income, now had a nice dent in it for the first time.
I didn’t react to this well.
I had always been a plan ahead, cross all the T’s, and dot the I’s type of guy. I liked certainty. And, I liked being able to control everything.
I was beginning to realize that some things were beyond my control, and that apparently, I couldn’t control everything.
I was starting to worry about money. A lot. Specifically, the income inconsistency of that of someone who is self-employed.
I started having thoughts such as “what if all my clients go on vacation at the same time?”
What if they get sick?
What if I get sick?
What if one of them decides they don’t want to train anymore? Or all of them?
What if I don’t get any new clients?
This then morphed into, how will we pay the mortgage and feed ourselves?
My mind and my thoughts were getting the best of me, and after a few months of being out on my own, I was beginning to make myself sick.
This was my first taste of what stress could do to the human body. Now I wasn’t sick like you think of as someone being “sick”, but I didn’t feel well. There wasn’t anything technically wrong with me, other than stress was taking hold of me, and bad things were starting to happen.
The repeated negative thoughts and constant worrying about what might happen were leaving me feeling lethargic, and without the drive and energy to do the things I’d normally do. At times I remember even having low-level cold-like symptoms that would come and go.
This continued for close to a year on and off and to varying degrees of intensity.
Then, on this one particular day, I remember laying on the couch not feeling well – worrying again, and I distinctly remember thinking to myself…this has to stop.
Suddenly, I came to the realization that a certain level of uncertainty is inherent in working for yourself, and there was NO way around it. Right then at that moment I realized I had two options:
Either I come to grips with it and accept it for what it is, good and bad. Or, I go get myself another job. Something with more stability and certainty.
I was fed up with this on and off again of not feeling well. I also fully realized it was because of ME. At the same time, I felt just as strongly about not wanting to go get another job. Plus, I did love what I was doing.
So at that very moment, I made a promise to myself that I was going to stop with all worrying about the future and the things that I couldn’t control. And instead, place my focus on what I could control.
And you know what? It actually worked!
As strange as it seems to look back on it now, I somehow just stopped worrying about this big-picture stuff cold turkey. Of course, what I consider big picture and what you might consider big picture might be completely different, but, that’s a story for another day.
Finally, I got a handle on my stress. Or at least, I learned to manage it. Or so I thought…
My episodes of feeling unwell went away seemingly overnight. Giving me further proof that what I was constantly thinking inside my head had a direct result on how my body felt.
This was major lesson #1 that I learned personally with regard to the harmful effects of unchecked mental stress on the body.
Other than a couple of weeks roughly eight years later (coincidentally a span that marked me turning 40) all of the above issues were seemingly non-existent. I was feeling really good about my stress management prowess now.
Fast forward to March 2020. Yep, the beginning of COVID. I know what you’re thinking – lockdowns, being told I was “non-essential”, not being able to work – stress must have been off the charts right?
Actually no.
Yes, there was a very brief period where I felt sorry for myself and sad that I could no longer do a job I still loved to do, at least the way I was used to doing it. But that passed quickly and for some odd reason, I felt no major stress at all. Amidst all of that uncertainty, and there was a whole lot of uncertainty…I wasn’t stressed out.
Now, what happened next, I feel as though I could never have truly appreciated had it not been for something of the magnitude of a pandemic.
During this period, it became clear to me that I still did have a problem with stress. A big problem and it had been flying under the radar…probably for about 17 years, give or take.
Up until this time, 90% of my business was in-home face-to-face with the client. The other 10% was remote training and coaching I did from home. Obviously, this meant that I had to get to all of these clients.
Looking back, I had a relentless commuting schedule. We’re talking a lot of time in the car. And I typically covered a large radius, covering suburban Chicagoland including the city of Chicago. If you don’t live here or have never visited, traffic is a nightmare. Especially traveling into and out of the city.
Before I was grounded due to COVID, I was typically making my way downtown three days per week and sometimes multiple trips. And, this was in addition to all of my suburban stops. It was hard. At this point, I was used to it, so it didn’t feel hard at the time.
I pride myself on being on time. I believe that time is our greatest asset and I’ve always strived to respect others’ time as if it was my own. To cut to the chase, I’d do ANYTHING to NOT be late to a client’s home.
You can probably start to see the problem here. Terrible traffic to begin with, and despite doing everything I could do on my end – stuff happens. An accident five miles down the expressway, snow, road closures, etc. – all things I couldn’t control.
Except that I tried anyway.
I suppose given the fact that since I’ve been doing this for almost 20 years and have only shown up late maybe 5 times (plus or minus a couple) I’m pretty good at it. But it was slowly wearing me down inside.
Maybe I wasn’t sweating the big stuff or even the small stuff anymore but I was in big-time sympathetic overdrive – pretty much all of the time. I felt the need to beat every red light, every train coming to the gate, get to the merge before the next guy, and don’t even get me started on people driving under the speed limit!
All in the need of being on time.
And then this “always in a hurry” attitude carried over into just about every aspect of my life as well. Rushing to get in my morning workout, so I could have time for a quick shower, and scarf down some breakfast – to be in my car and off before the roads fill in even more.
Eventually, I came to realize I was in a race against the clock with pretty much everything I did. In other words, in constant fight or flight mode.
If you’re not familiar with fight or flight mode, it’s a byproduct of your sympathetic nervous system that helps you get out of a potentially life-threatening situation in one piece. Say for example, if you happened to be on a safari in Africa and you fell out of the vehicle, and low and behold a lion was waiting for you – your sympathetic nervous system would trigger a fight or flight response in which you’d run as you’ve never run before.
This does work well. The catch is, it’s only supposed to be summoned for the big stuff. It’s not supposed to be triggered every day, doing everyday tasks of daily living.
However, I was doing just that…running from a lion.
Everyday.
For a very long time.
Unfortunately or perhaps fortunately, it took a worldwide pandemic to clue me into what I was doing to myself. And here I thought I had kicked my stress problem!
Overnight I went from 90% in-home visits to 100% remote sessions, and 0% time in the car. It didn’t take long, a few weeks or so, and I began to notice a difference. More relaxed, not in a constant rush to beat the clock.
It did feel weird at first, but I liked this new feeling. And, as the more time passed, the more I liked it.
I can also personally attest to the fact that this slow-burning, chronic, everyday stress also can have negative consequences from a health perspective. I’ll get into that another day, but suffice it to say, it’s probably just as bad, if not worse, than those short and intense moments of stress.
This was major lesson #2 as to the impact stress could directly have on my health.
Unlike lesson #1, lesson #2 hasn’t been as easy for me to shake. I’d suspect because it had been going on for so long that it just became “normal.” Let’s face it, at times it would even serve me well, further compounding the problem.
Yes, there are still moments when I can feel myself slipping back into old ways. But on the bright side, I usually catch myself fairly quickly and snap out of it. No doubt it’s a work in progress.
However, in looking back at everything, I think the hardest part was noticing it was happening in the first place. I suppose this shouldn’t have come as surprise. After all, the act of simply noticing is quite often the first step in changing any behavior.